Happy Birthday?

There are 15 minutes remaining till the clock again hits 12, and it's gonna be your birthday. Just like the past two years, it's again just me, my pen, and the same cracked head.

I have an exam tomorrow, and I couldn’t focus more on it while still thinking of you. But I will do well ,I always do.

I had heard that there are many stages of grief. The denial was the very first one, that you keep denying whatever you have lost and you don’t believe in reality as if you were to be schizophrenic. The more you loved your person, the more you deny things in her absence.You try multiple attempts to make it look true to you, like doing activities of watching the show you used to watch together or eating the snacks they bought you when you were asleep. You deny everything until your mind gets stuck in the imaginary views and the realities of life and death. But I had accepted that I had lost you even when I had you, and as you told me not to let you go. What was there to hold on to anyway?

In the second stage, isolation takes hold. They say when grief strikes after losing someone, you start losing everything around you and control over your mind. You retreat into solitude, baring your raw thoughts and emotions, trying to negotiate the pain it has inflicted. I cherished our moments together, the best ones I can count on my fingers. Even with you by my side, I sometimes found solace in my own cocoon, grappling with words that yearned to be expressed. You made the world seem exquisitely beautiful, and I dared not perceive it that way. If I did, I would have risked losing the only thing I truly know—the art of writing.

In the third stage, they say anger emerges. At this point, the pain intensifies and becomes overwhelming, leaving you feeling disoriented. You begin to assign blame to things, people, and even yourself for the situation you find yourself in. But these attempts prove futile as you come to realize that life's complexities cannot be bargained with. Personally, I've rarely experienced true anger. It manifests briefly in fleeting moments. I lack the energy required for emotions like hatred and anger. Instead, I find it more managabe to work on your perosnal projects, they don't leave you with much time to think about anything else.

The fourth stage is depression. It's a state that neither accepts nor denies, but rather acknowledges the absence of the person, You.

The fifth and last one is acceptance. As you grow more and sit with your emotions, things starts to make sense and has a purpose again. You re-enter reality, and it came to you that even if they are not with you, it's okay. I will be fine. i can understand that i can never be replaced and will be watching you grow. Do you know the number of people who know your name? It's just the two of them whom I had told when I received your anonymous text, and I shared it with them the next morning. You were/are the secret that is like cold ashes buried deep down, and I can’t let someone ignite it again by talking about it. So how am I supposed to accept that you aren’t there anymore when I haven’t even grieved you yet. The only one I do confessed to and have talked to, are my papers, but most of them are burned, rejected or lost in the pile, you called a mess. All of these bookish things never worked for me. The stages and all of them never made sense in my case. I still wonder if they every will.

It's strange that like a lunatic I still believe that one day we'll write letters again and deliver them in person, with envelopes that will bear the names of our past. I will watch you read them and laugh at the paragraphs that will speak about how you fell in love with my writing and i feel for you.As you touch my cheek with your soft hands, and I will again resume telling you that story once more. And believe me, for you, I could repeat the same story over 100 times and won’t shut up, Like the math teacher who lies to you about repeating again if you couldn’t grasp the concept. Admist the realm of Minecraft, through Discord calls and old-fashioned SMS, we'll rebuild a world solely for us. A sanctuary of serenity, joy, and a future free from remorse. I'll return, and you'll return, living, laughing, and loving anew. Can you vow to safeguard our bond, akin to a soldier's love letter nestled within his chest? His steadfast heart shielding his cherished abode from the clutches of war's horrors.

The time has already passed, and I can’t stop wiring, I wish the clock could hit 12 a bit later so I could write a little bit more about you. But anyway, just like every year, I should be wishing you the exact time. Happy birthday, and I hope you will have a good one…