I hate you with everything I have

It did seem far fetched when I finally came to truce with myself on a random Tuesday evening. It took every ounce of my bargaining skills to make with myself. Even then the voice did not stop, there was always that dangling 'What if'.

I gave myself exactly 2 months to solve this problem that I created for the past 2 years... wait who am I even kidding - well, 7 years doesn't actually helps when you're trying to convince the very thing you stand against.

I discovered a new thing about myself today - I stammer. Not the endearing kind, but the kind that leaves words hanging, incomplete, a frustration on its own.

As someone said

The mission change. They always do.

I was preprared for this. I don't expect you to be my savior. I've always been a fighter; it's ingrained in my upbringing. I'm not asking you to do what I did for you, and I understand that you might not. However, if loneliness ever catches up with me, I simply ask that you sit next to me. No need for words or jests. You don't even need to hold my hands. All I ask is that you stay with me to remind me that I'm not alone, and that things will improve.

I want to know that I'm in a safe place, even when everything around me is chaotic and uncertain.